Attempted Anger Managing
by Kohana Kurama
Summary: After Tobi's "temper tantrum" it's decided that maybe the Akatsuki should take an anger management class. Of course, Kohana isn't evil enough to send them to a professional so she tries to manage their anger herself. Good idea or bad idea?
1. New Medication

**New Medication**

"_Ritalin is a mild central nervous system stimulant. It affects chemicals in the brain and nerves that contribute to hyperactivity and impulse control. Ritalin is used to treat attention deficit disorder (ADD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and narcolepsy (an uncontrollable desire to sleep). When given for attention deficit disorder, Ritalin should be an integral part of a total treatment program that includes psychological, educational, and social measures. Ritalin may also be used for other purposes not listed in this medication guide._"

"So...what does that mean exactly, yeah?"

"Um...Well it helps him to not be so hyper." Kohana looked into Deidara's visible blue eye that actually showed concern.

"_Do not use Ritalin if you have used an MAO inhibitor within the past 14 days. Serious, life-threatening side effects can occur if you use Ritalin before the MAO inhibitor has cleared from your body. Do not use Ritalin if you have severe anxiety, tension, or agitation. Ritalin may be habit-forming and should be used only by the person it was prescribed for. Ritalin should never be shared with another person, especially someone who has a history of drug abuse or addiction. Keep the medication in a secure place where others cannot get to it._"

"...Um, Ko-chan..." Deidara blinked then followed a line on the page with his purple coated fingernail, "You _don't_ keep it in a secure place."

Kohana sweat dropped and looked away. "Well I try. It isn't like I'm in charge of a group of toddlers and not grown villains."

Deidara gasped and leaned away. "I am _not_ a villain!"

"Do you like to blow things up?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Do you like to torture people when you have the time?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Do you find joy in creating chaos wherever you go?"

"Of course, yeah!"

"I fail to see why we're even having this conversation." Kohana turned her attention back to the prescription information sheet. "So he has to take it at least thirty minutes before his meals. Oh, geez. The possible side effects are irregular heartbeats, feeling like you might pass out, fever, sore throat, and headache with a severe blistering, peeling, and red skin rash--"

"He'll think he's sick!"

"--aggression, restlessness, hallucinations, unusual behavior, nervous feeling, sleep problems (insomnia)...He would be better off without the medication."

"But it also said to make sure to include psychological therapy...or something like that." Sasori interjected peering over their shoulders.

Kohana looked up. "And what do you suggest?"

"A psychologist?"

"Ooh...it's highly advised that you don't take Ritalin with any sort of antidepressant...what kind of medicine does Itachi take for his anger?"

"Deidara..." A light bulb clicked on in the girl's head. "Antidepressant. He's taking Prozac and Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer for his bipolar disorder."

"So then, what's the damage if you accidentally mix up any of these medications?" Sasori asked taking Itachi's prescription sheets from Kohana to read.

"The doctor was very particular about not doing that under any circumstances. Ritalin in Itachi's body could possibly cause a neurotic meltdown and possibly kill Tobi..."

Deidara's eyes widened then slowly narrowed as an evil plan began to form in his mind.


	2. Scary Eyes

**Scary Eyes & Introductions**

_Session One: Introductions_

"This is--hands down--the _most retarded_ idea you've ever come up with, Kohana, seriously." Hidan sat down directly across from her in the circle of chairs that had been placed in the living room. "However, I think bringing pictures of ourselves has merit." He looked at his own and smiled brightly. "Jashin-sama would like this picture."

Kisame leaned over to get a look at it. "...Is that a dead woman?"

Hidan nodded proudly. "That it is."

Itachi and Deidara both came in with a shoebox which Ko assumed to be more than the one picture she requested. "Um--"

"I couldn't pick just one, yeah." Deidara explained sitting in the empty seat on her left.

"I refused to believe that just _one_ picture would suffice for this exercise." Itachi stated taking the one on her right. Zetsu filed in with a very quiet Tobi who looked like he would fall asleep walking.

"I gave him his medication along with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"Thanks. I'll need him to tolerable for this."

Kakuzu came in with Sasori who had a puppet instead of an actual picture which sparked an immediate argument with Deidara about art.

"Okay, enough!" Kohana shouted standing up with a fireball in her hand. Deidara noticed how close the flames were to his clay bird and pulled it away slowly while giving her a disgusted look. "Now that you're all here, I can explain why you're here."

"Cut the shit girl!" Hidan jeered. "I need to go wash my hair!"

Deidara and Itachi's eyes widened. "No, I'm first!"

Another argument erupted.

Kohana covered her face with one hand and closed the one holding the fire into a tight fist.

"_Ahem._"

All eyes snapped up to door.

"Where is Kurama Kohana?"

Chills from merely looking at the empty sky blue colored eyes caused fingers to point at Kohana instantly.

"You're the Akatsuki Assistant...correct?" The delicate alto-pitched voice murmured as a duffle bag was set down.

Kohana only nodded trying her hardest not to just run away in fear.

"Hm. I am the one who applied to be the Messenger. Your Leader contacted me a few days ago telling me that I had been appointed the job."

Hidan stood slowly, mouth gaping. "Who...are...you?"

The fearsome eyes shifted slightly to fix themselves onto the tall platinum blonde. "Sarutobi. Arai."

All hell broke loose as the gang (minus Itachi who was debating on whether or not to cling onto Kohana--never had eyes been more fearsome than his own) ambushed the girl with questions. She literally had to kick Hidan away.

"GUYS!" Kohana shouted trying to bring back order. "Sit."

For a few seconds they could only stare at her before resuming what they were doing. Kohana sweat dropped and looked down at her feet. "No one listens to me..."

Arai's eyes narrowed upon seeing the dismissal and reared back--punching Kisame square in the nose. Having created a little room, she leaned back just enough to crouch down to deliver a swift kick to Hidan's chin sending him flying across the room. Silence filled the room. Arai's angry gaze scanned the room and the males immediately took shelter behind Kohana. "Never dismiss Kohana-sama like that again in my presence." She narrowed her eyes and they seemed to glow turning an electric shade of blue. "_Never_."

"H-hai." The reply was soft.

"Good." The raven haired girl took a toothpick out from her kunai holster on her left thigh and plopped the end into her mouth, leaning against the door frame leading into the kitchen as she glared at the group. "Now, Kohana-sama, you can continue."

Kohana's eyes lit up with pure Christmas Day-like joy. "Ah, thank chuuuu!" She actually mewed and hopped from foot to foot with glee.

"Oh, jeez." Tenshi appeared next to Arai, rolling her eyes at Kohana's behavior. "I don't get paid enough to watch this."

Questions marks and a wide chibi-eyed look stole Arai's air of intimidation as she looked at Tenshi confused. "We get paid?"

_Blink. Blink._ "Ah. Well, actually no. We don't get paid." Tenshi quickly reclaimed herself. "But don't you think that we should? I mean, a group of men monitored by a girl who I say could have been a neko in her previous life? We should get some sort of reward for even dealing with the circus much less being a part of it."

"...If this is a circus...what part of the show do we play?"

_Blink. Blink._ Tenshi folded her arms. "We're the ones who make sure the animals don't kill each other." She looked at the other. "By the way have you read the rules yet?"

Arai shook her head. Tenshi went into the kitchen and returned with a sheet of notebook paper that had her writing scribbled on it:

_1. Tenshi is always right.  
2. If you believe Tenshi is wrong, please see rule number one.  
3. No one touches Tenshi. Period. Do so and die.  
4. Don't ask Tenshi to do shit for you. If you do, she reserves the right to blow your sorry ass to Hell.  
5. If you have a problem with any of the rules above please see __Kohana/__Arai and talk to her about it as Tenshi does not wish to hear you complain._

Arai examined the paper closely. "Hai..."

Tenshi smiled broadly and patted Arai on her shoulder. "We'll get along just fine!"

"...Don't touch me."

"Okay! Everyone to your seats!" Kohana called out loudly ringing a bell. "Time to start our session."

"Where the hell did that come from?" Sasori asked covering his ears as he found his original seat.

"To hell if I know!" Hidan yelled over the bell. When everyone was seated, Kohana looked at Tenshi and Arai and waved them over.

"You too! This is for everyone."

"What about Leader-sama and Konan then?" Tobi asked rubbing his head.

"They went to handle some business." Tenshi said dismissively eyeing the chair next to Deidara with acute disdain. "Do I have to sit next to him?"

"It's either that or Tobi." Kohana shrugged. Tenshi jumped into the chair next to Deidara and scooted away from him, closer to Kisame. Kisame turned to say something to her but she cut him off with a gold-eyed glare. "You are not permitted to speak to me. Shut it."

Kisame closed his mouth and stared straight ahead.

Arai was left with the seat next to Tobi and Zetsu.

"Okay, for today's exercise, we're gonna introduce ourselves to our peers." Kohana smiled. "We'll go around in a circle and tell a little bit about ourselves. You'll say your name, your age, where you were born, name a favorite color, name a favorite food, and then describe yourself in one sentence. I'll start and then we'll go clockwise around the circle, ending with Itachi." When no one objected, Kohana continued. "My name is Kohana and I'm nineteen years old. I was born in the Hidden Leaf village. My number one favorite color at the moment is black. My favorite food is...I'm gonna say ramen for today--"

"IT'S NARUTO, BELIEVE IT!" Tenshi yelled out pointing at Kohana causing the group to erupt in laughter.

"No interrupting someone while they're talking." Kohana scolded. "Lastly, to describe myself. I am a fun loving person who tries very hard to be a leader."

Deidara waited until Kohana was done (and the snickering had stopped) to start. "My name is Deidara, yeah. Pronounced day-darr-uh. Okay? Deidara. Not DeiDei or Dana." He cut his eyes at Itachi who pretended not to pay attention. "I'm twenty-two years old and I was born in Iwagakure. My favorite food is rice cakes and to describe myself in one sentence--" He turned and looked at Tenshi, holding up his hands for her to see then sticking out all three tongues. "Triple times the pleasure, love."

"_EW!_

_**Slap!**_

"...Ow, yeah."

Tenshi slouched down in her chair obviously annoyed and embarrassed beyond reason with her arms folded across her chest. "Tenshi. Seventeen. Sunagakure. Black. Dango. Pissed beyond your mind's comprehension." She turned slowly and glared at Deidara, her red eyes flickering gold.

Kohana eyed the huge lump on the top of Deidara's head. "Um...next?"

"My name's Kisame!" Kisame pointed his thumb at himself with a cheesy smile. "I'm thirty-two and I was born in the Hidden Mist village."

"Are you sure it wasn't deep in the big blue sea?" Hidan snorted causing even Sasori to crack a smile.

"No!" Kisame growled.

"Then Kisame-sempai," Tobi looked at him with his head tilted to the side. "What were your parent's like?"

Kisame's eyes watered a bit. "I've been an orphan all my life. I never knew them."

"...So then you _don't_ know if you're part human or not, yeah?"

"Not for sure but I'm sure--"

"_I KNEW IT!_" Kakuzu turned to Hidan. "Gimme my money, bitch."

"Call me another one and I'll skin you like one." Hidan hissed passing Kakuzu some coins.

He counted it then whispered. "_Beeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiitch._"

Hidan started to move but Arai shot him a glare. "Do and die."

Hidan smiled from ear to ear. "As long as you do it slowly, babe, and let me enjoy every single second."

Her eye twitched as she leaned away. "Masochist."

"As long as you recognize, babe."

"_Anyway_--" Kohana cut in. "Kakuzu, it's your turn."

"Am I getting paid to participate?"

"Um...no. This is for--"

"Then it's Sasori's turn." He folded his arms.

"No. You--"

He looked squarely at the small girl. "Are you going to pay me for my input?" He waited until she shook her head. "Then move on. I refuse to divulge anything about myself. It may end up on Zetsu's porn site."

"It will not." Zetsu said shoving a camcorder into his cloak.

"Okay...Sasori?" Kohana looked at the redhead.

"I'm Sasori. My age is a mystery to even myself. I'm from the Suna like Snow White over there and my favorite color is blood. I fail to see how my food preference should concern any of you. As far as describing myself, I'm the King of Alcohol."

Kohana tilted her head to the side. "Why do you claim that title?"

With this, Sasori stood up and quickly unbuttoned his cloak to reveal his smooth body. His stomach cavity opened and a brilliant display of bottles was shown. "I have all sorts of liquor stored on my person at all times. If I wanted, I could hand make drinks for everyone. I used to be a bartender at a club in Kakasagi before being recruited here."

"Wow, man." Itachi let out a whistle. "You had to have had hot chicks all over you. Why'd you give that up?"

"I was a serial killer. That's why I have so many female puppets."

"...I thought those were blow up dolls." Zetsu spoke in awe. The girls noted to inspect their drinks made by Sasori from then on.

"Whatever. My name's Hidan." He paused to wave at the girls and flip off the men. "If you convert to Jashinism today, you get a free t-shirt!"

Even Kohana didn't say a word.

"Hi!" Tobi waved, mimicking Hidan. "If you give Tobi a cookie, he won't bother you today!"

Packages of cookies materialized out of nowhere and showered the good boy.

"Thank you!" And soon munching was heard.

"My name is Arai, I'm eighteen...because no one seems to remember it. I was born in the Leaf village." She glared at Kohana who looked around innocently. "Why am I here again?...Oh, I remember. Yes it's so fucking clear. Supposedly I have an anger problem and this anger problem is too much for our damn Leader to handle because he is an overgrown monkey with the brain of a tadpole. Oh and to describe myself in one sentence, I am just damn electrifying don't forget it."

Silence filled the room. Itachi leaned over to Kohana and whispered, "Don't you ever wonder just what possessed Leader to recruit so many escaped mental patients?"

Kohana looked at him and nodded. "Yes. In fact I wondered that yesterday at the doctor's office with you."

Itachi nodded in agreement then abruptly stopped. "Hey--"

"All you need to know is that _I'm_ the terror that lurks in your bathtub." Zetsu laughed evilly.

"With a camera that is." Deidara whispered to Tenshi and she nodded eyeing the green pervert angrily.

Lastly, it was Itachi's turn.

"My name is Itachi Uchiha. I'm twenty years old and I too come from the Leaf." He looked at Kohana and Arai with disdain. "My favorite colors are black, red, and purple so it may be apparent why I joined the Akatsuki. My favorite food is pocky and to describe myself in one sentence: Bite me."

"Well, that wasn't so bad!" Kohana said cheerfully clapping for her participants. "We'll end today's session on that note--"

Suddenly the room was empty.


	3. Picture Imperfect

**Picture Imperfect**

_Session Two: How I See Myself_

"Do I _have_ to participate?" Tenshi whined as Arai dragged her from her room to the living room where the anger management group session would be held. Arai only nodded. "But why? I haven't deliberately hurt anyone out of unnecessary anger!"

"Think of it as supporting Ko-sama's attempt to help the men."

"...Okay, your persuasive tactics suck. I can only tolerate a few of them while am plotting on killing the rest."

"...You need this as much as they do." Arai pointed to a chair next to Kohana as she took the one on Ko's other side. "This won't be too bad..."

Kohana took a deep breath as Tobi bounded into the room. "I'm ready!" He attempted to leap over a chair but instead tripped mid-air and fell onto his face, skidding to a halt in front of Kohana. "Owie..."

Tenshi gave Kohana her best glare of hatred before huffing and folding her arms over her chest and leaning back in her chair. "This. Sucks. Eggs."

Tobi quickly stood up and fixed the chair that he knocked over then sat it in. "Okay. _Now_ I'm ready. This is swear on Hannah's life." He put a hand over his heart as if swearing like a Boy Scout.

"Thank you, Tobi." Kohana muttered as she pulled out a picture of herself and looked at what she had written on the back. She smiled as she turned it back over. "Nii-san."

Tenshi and Arai leaned over to look. Tenshi looked at the younger Kohana then at the taller boy next to her. "Who's that?"

Before Kohana could answer, Arai spoke up. "Her older brother, Katsuro. He's an ANBU back at our old village. Last I heard he was looking for both of his sisters, Kohana and Emi."

Tenshi looked at Kohana. "You have siblings?"

Kohana looked away. "Yeah..."

"OKAY LET'S GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH!" Hidan yelled coming through the front door and slamming it behind him. It slowly opened again to reveal a red-faced Itachi and Deidara who must have been fighting to get through the door only to be hit with it.

Zetsu appeared in the ceiling looking down at the group that had assembled so far. "I'll be participating from here if you don't mind."

Arai nodded her approval as Kohana passed out markers. "Where's Sasori and Kisame? And Kakuzu for that matter?"

"We're here." Sasori said taking his seat as the other two followed suit. "Just discussing items that we need to purchase the next time we go to the store."

Kohana nodded. "Well then, let's get started. Did everyone bring a picture of themselves like I asked?" Slowly the members produced their pictures. "Okay, good. Now I want to write on the back of your picture exactly how you feel about yourself. Make sure to describe in as much detail as you can how you feel about your strengths and weaknesses. Lastly, name one thing you'd like to change or think you should change about yourself."

She gave the group a few minutes to start scribbling before she started on her own picture. When she was done she looked up to find that only Kakuzu had put his marker down. "I refuse to participate if I'm not getting paid for this."

Kohana bit the inside of her lip and nodded, not wanting to even try to persuade the scary man to play along. She looked at Arai who on her right. "Are you ready?"

Arai nodded.

"Okay, I'll need everyone to stand up as they read what they've written while showing the picture to the group. Explain why you chose the picture first then start reading." Kohana instructed.

Arai stood and held up her picture. "This is me and my former best friend, Shikamaru. I chose this picture because it was the last time I smiled. It was right before my grandfather died--"

Itachi's eyes widened a bit. "Sarutobi. That's why you look so familiar."

"Itachi. No interruptions." Kohana shook her head then signaled for Arai to continue.

"Anyway, for the most part I'm pretty satisfied with the new me. The old me was much weaker emotionally and physically. The new me refuses to take any shit from anyone and won't hesitate to try to shove your head up your ass. The only thing I want to change is the fact that Orochimaru is still alive. I will make him pay."

Kohana nodded scribbling on her notepad. "So the new you is driven by revenge?"

Arai looked at her. "Not entirely. That particular aspect is more of a long term goal."

Ko bit the end of her pen and looked up at her. "So then...why won't you smile again? Do you think emotions make you weak?"

Arai nodded. "They distract you from your goal."

"I agree!" Itachi shouted holding up an "I Agree!" signed he had made out of construction paper and a yard stick.

Kohana blinked. "Okay...you both may sit down. Next?"

Tobi stood and held out his photo proudly for all to see. It was a picture of him and Michiko, Sasori's blow up doll that looked exactly like Deidara. Jaws dropped and one of the men let out a shrill scream...probably Deidara. Kohana covered her eyes as Tenshi gagged and Arai leaned away with fear in her eyes.

"What the fuck, man?!" Itachi turned away.

It was a picture of Tobi "becoming a man" with Michiko. Sasori only stared, wide-eyed and humiliated.

Zetsu took the picture from the good boy and turned it around so he could see it better. "Not bad Tobi. What a good boy you are. This would make a decent addition to my website." Zetsu looked down at Tobi who was smiling. "I see a porn star in the making!"

"WHOO HOO!!!" Tobi cheered and ran out of the room then back in only to run straight upstairs. Kisame's hand shot up.

"Y-yes?" Kohana tried to keep a straight face.

"Will you offer individual counseling later for...that?" He asked, eye and shoulder twitching at the memory.

"Please, yeah?"

"I've just been visually raped." Itachi whispered rubbing his eyes. Kohana could only nod. Hell, she'd need counseling too when it was all said and done.

"I'll go next then." Zetsu interrupted the scarred silence going into his cloak.

"No!!!" Most of the men jumped up.

"Oh? Are you sure?"

"Absolutely fucking positive, seriously." Hidan answered dry heaving. The counseling continued with much more G-Rated, boring, kid friendly answers. Of course, Kakuzu had nothing to contribute. Kisame wished that he'd attend his EMD (Excessive Murdering Disorder) group sessions more often with Hidan (even though he'd been showing more progress than Hidan). Sasori wanted to do something worthwhile with his puppets, such as opening a theater to put on plays. Kakuzu noted that if he did so, he could charge people to see his freaky little shows and earn money for him to collect commission on. To this, Deidara declared that he wanted to open a museum to display his precious clay works. Arai had to point out that if he did follow through with such a dangerous goal, he could accidently blow their part of the Earth to Jupiter, killing them all and preventing him from ever proving to Sasori that his art was true art. While Deidara agreed with this, Sasori immediately announced that Deidara's various forms of molested Play-Doh could never be artwork. Kohana leaned over to Tenshi telling her that she thought art was paintings. Thus, a very deadly art fight erupted. Deidara and Sasori versus Kohana and anyone else that put themselves in between them and the retarded girl. Tenshi called Deidara a pissy little girl and went to her room, refusing to be subjected to anymore of the anger management. Itachi seized the opportunity to battle Deidara and jumped in, pretending that he actually cared for their "baby-sitter".

Then the front door opened and Leader and Konan came in. "What the hell is going on here?"

Head whipped around and bodies froze. However, Itachi was caught off guard and couldn't tell exactly who was standing at the door. "**GRAND FIREBALL JUTSU!**"

_"ITACHI, NO!!!!"_


	4. Too Evil for Diaries

**Too Evil for Diaries**

_Session Three: Keeping A Journal_

"Today's session will be very brief since it will require that you find a neutral spot and write."

"Do wha--" Itachi started to interrupt but Kohana held up her hand.

"Don't talk. Just listen." She started to hand out black and white composition books with every members' name already written on them. "For a full week, you will write down your thoughts and feelings. It helps to try to write in complete sentences so that when you go back over it, you'll know what caused you to feel that way. Even I'll be keeping a journal. After a week, we'll come back for our final session and address the things that make you angry."

"I refuse to keep a diary." Itachi frowned holding out the journal for her to take.

"Then don't call it a diary. Call it a journal."

"I refuse to write to myself."

"Then pretend you're writing to someone in particular. Write to a friend."

"....Hm. There is one person I've been meaning to get a hold of lately." Itachi murmured turning the book over in his hands. "Fine then."

"Thank you." Kohana smiled. "Now go write to your heart's content!"

The group broke off as people went back to whatever they had been doing before Kohana called them. Itachi, however, raced upstairs to his room to find paper, envelopes, and a good pen.


End file.
